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DEAR ANNIE: I am a nurse who needed to become a full-time caregiver for my mom, who is in her 90s. I have siblings; however, when I ask for their help, there is always an excuse. I haven’t had a vacation in several years.
A friend of mine who is also a nurse offered to take care of my mom so I could have a long weekend off. I was so grateful for her generous offer. Mom is very comfortable with this friend, so I made plans to go on a well-deserved vacation. I did check in while I was away, and everything was going well.
When I returned, my mom told me that my friend had deep cleaned several rooms in our home. I’m not a bad housekeeper, but my priority is caring for my mom, so I clean as I’m able. She also brought additional groceries even though I had told her I had shopped prior to her coming. I had not asked her to clean or to bring groceries, and I am embarrassed by what she’s done.
Mom told me that when she saw what my friend was doing, she told her I’d be embarrassed. My friend disregarded Mom’s advice and continued cleaning.
I did tell my friend that I appreciated her giving me a break but wished she had asked me first before cleaning and bringing additional food for us, which wasn’t needed. She said she likes to keep busy and I could see she didn’t recognize my discomfort. I’m torn between being grateful that I got a few days off but now find I don’t want to have this friend in my home again. Am I being ungrateful? How do I move forward? — Overwhelmed
DEAR OVERWHELMED: Your friend likely saw the extra chores as simply part of the care she was providing. Rather than interpret it as a reflection on your ability to keep things in order, reframe the experience as a friend wanting to go the extra mile after seeing how hard you were working for your mom.
Compulsive cleaners are frequently driven by a need to control their situation. This is not personal to you. Whether or not you accept her help in the future is up to you.
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DEAR ANNIE: I read your column from the 16-year-old girl, “Love Wins,” who asked if it was OK to get secretly engaged to her boyfriend, both of them still in high school. I agree with your assessment that if something this important has to be a secret, something’s wrong.
I wanted to add that the practice of a promise ring is a forgotten tradition from only a few generations back. A boy about her boyfriend’s age would give his high school sweetheart an inexpensive ring and then they’d wait a couple of years to actually get engaged.
This act gives the couple a chance to get into the real world together and see what being an adult couple — with jobs, a college education, hobbies and goals that don’t always align — is like. It would also be something that’s publicly shared. Maybe “Love Wins” should go this route? — Married Young, Two Decades On
DEAR MARRIED YOUNG: Thank you for your letter. A handful of other readers wrote in with the same sweet suggestion. I agree the intention behind a promise ring would capture the love these two feel for each other but without having to hide it or rush into a lifelong commitment until they are older and fully ready to do so — the perfect next step.
Send your questions for Annie Lane to [email protected].
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